For Couples
Marriage Rules, by Harriet Lerner
If you’re old enough to get married you probably have a pretty good idea what it takes to have a happy marriage: you treat your partner like you’d like to be treated. Simple, right? Well, maybe not. Life is messy and complicated, and joining two lives—in marriage or any committed partnership—can be messier still. Sometimes a little wise guidance can come in very handy. It’s in this spirit that psychologist Harriet Lerner offers the suggestions in Marriage Rules. Think of them, she says, as “pretty good ideas to consider.” Some are commonsensical; some are imaginative; any of them offers a place to begin.
Fighting for Your Marriage, by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg
In the years since the end of WWII, marriages have changed from relationships in which virtually nothing was negotiable to ones in which virtually everything is negotiable. This trend has only accelerated in recent years, with declining marriage rates and increased expectations for love-based, happy marriages. The result is marriages that require more skill in communication, conflict management, and negotiation between partners than ever before, because there is less that is automatically accepted and more that needs to be decided. If you already have wonderful skills in managing conflict and solving problems while also keeping love alive, great. If you don’t, read this book.
Enduring Desire, by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy
Long-time sexual and marital therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy have heard a lot of hype about what good couple sex is supposed to be. They offer something else: the promotion of realistic, positive sexual expectations for couples from their twenties to their eighties. Sex shouldn’t be a problem or a distraction; rather, it deserves to be a reliable, consistent source of desire, pleasure, eroticism, and connection with your partner, providing comfort and solace for life’s stressors and a vital energy to embrace the challenges of life. Their book is a roadmap to sexual satisfaction, not in some fantasy world but in real life.
Beyond Addiction, by Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkins and Nicole Kosanke
Are you concerned about the substance use or other addictive behaviors of a loved one? Worried that if you neither dramatically confront nor detach from your loved one you might be “enabling” him or her? In fact, you are your loved one’s best hope for a better future. If you offer the right encouragement, stay connected, provide good options (not ultimatums), respect their right to be part of the solution, and keep your balance by taking care of yourself and setting healthy limits, things get better. Change doesn’t always happen as quickly as we want and it can be messy, but it happens.
Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, by Peter Fraenkel
We all know what couples fight about: money, sex, housework, kids. But underlying these surface-level conflicts is often a deeper rift having to do with rhythm and pacing. That is the thesis of couple therapist Peter Fraenkel, who when he is not doing therapy works as a professional jazz drummer, laying down the beat that keeps the group together. Time is everywhere, Fraenkel points out, but we often fail to recognize its fundamental power in structuring our lives and relationships. As couples begin to notice and change the ways they think about and utilize time, they can find themselves getting back in the groove with one another.
“Being in love is like going outside to see what kind of day it is.”